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Roly Poly Santa Cake

Roly Poly Santa Cake

A festively-decorated cake that looks like a Roly Poly Santa.MORE+LESS-

Updated September 6, 2017

Body and Head

1

box (15.25 oz) Betty Crocker™ Super Moist™ vanilla or yellow cake mix

1/2

teaspoon vanilla extract

Hat, Legs, and Arms

1

box (15.25 oz) Betty Crocker™ Super Moist™ vanilla or yellow cake mix

1/2

teaspoon vanilla extract

Frosting

3

cans (12 oz) Betty Crocker™ Whipped Frosting Fluffy White

Red and peach (or orange) icing coloring

5

large brown candy coated chocolates or small rounds of black or brown fondant

1

large red candy coated chocolate or small round of red fondant

Hide Images

  • 1

    Preheat oven to 350° F. Spray two 6-inch round pans with non-stick baking spray. Combine cake mix, milk, melted butter, sour cream, eggs and vanilla extract in a large mixing bowl. Using an electric mixer, beat on low for 30 seconds, then on medium for 2 minutes. Equally divide batter among the two cake pans.

  • 2

    Bake cakes for 26-30 minutes, until a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean. Remove cakes and allow to cool in pan for 10 minutes. Flip out onto a cooling rack and allow to cool completely. Repeat the process above to make the second cake mix.

  • 3

    Spray one 6-inch round cake pan, 6 cavities in a jumbo cupcake pan, and 3 cavities in a standard size cupcake pan with non-stick baking spray. Pour 1/3 cup batter into each of the 6 jumbo cupcake cavities and 3 tablespoons of batter into each of the standard cupcake cavities. Pour the remaining batter into the 6-inch round pan.

  • 4

    Place all in oven. Bake small cupcakes for 16-18 minutes. Bake jumbo cupcakes for 18-20 minutes. Bake 6-inch round cake for 26-30 minutes. Allow all to cool for 10 minutes, then remove from pan, set on cooling rack and cool completely.

  • 5

    Cut 4 half-circles out of one of the 6-inch rounds, creating notches large enough for 1 jumbo cupcake to be inserted.Set the cut cake on the lower third of the cake board, creating Santa’s body. Set 1 jumbo cupcake into each notch, creating the tops of the legs and arms.

  • 6

    Cut a notch out of the 2 cupcake legs, large enough for another jumbo cupcake to be inserted. Set 1 jumbo cupcake within each notch.

  • 7

    Cut a notch out of the 2 cupcake arms, large enough for a small cupcake to be inserted. Set 1 small cupcake within each notch.

  • 8

    Cut a notch out of 1 6-inch round cake large enough for another 6-inch cake to be inserted.Carve the cake so it is more dome-shaped, cutting off the sharp edges on top. This will be Santa’s head and will attach to the body.

  • 9

    Cut the remaining 6-inch cake into Santa’s hat, leveling and carving as needed. Cut the remaining small cupcake into a smaller ball for the tip of Santa’s hat.

  • 10

    Color 1 1/2 tubs of frosting bright red. Color 1/2 tub frosting a light skin color using peach or orange icing coloring. Spoon colored frosting into disposable pastry bags. Cut tip off bags. Pipe a small amount of frosting in between the cake pieces to attach them together. Pipe red frosting over Santa’s body, upper arms, upper legs, and hat. Pipe light skin-toned frosting over the hands, feet, and face. Smooth frosting out using a metal spatula.

  • 11

    Attach 2 large candy-coated chocolates for the eyes and 3 for the buttons on Santa’s suit.

  • 12

    Spoon white frosting into a pastry bag fitted with a jumbo star tip. Pipe white frosting fur around the hat, fur ball, beard and mustache. Add one red nose.

Nutrition Facts

Serving Size: 1 Serving
Calories
530
Calories from Fat
250
% Daily Value
Total Fat
28g
42%
Saturated Fat
15g
76%
Trans Fat
0g
Cholesterol
90mg
29%
Sodium
470mg
20%
Potassium
110mg
3%
Total Carbohydrate
66g
22%
Dietary Fiber
0g
0%
Sugars
48g
Protein
4g
Vitamin A
10%
10%
Vitamin C
0%
0%
Calcium
15%
15%
Iron
6%
6%
Exchanges:

1 Starch; 0 Fruit; 3 1/2 Other Carbohydrate; 0 Skim Milk; 0 Low-Fat Milk; 0 Milk; 0 Vegetable; 0 Very Lean Meat; 0 Lean Meat; 0 High-Fat Meat; 5 1/2 Fat;

Carbohydrate Choice

4 1/2

*Percent Daily Values are based on a 2,000 calorie diet.

More About This Recipe

  • Here comes Santa Claus! He's roly poly and adorably sweet and will make a whimsical addition to your Christmas party or dinner.This cute cake was inspired by Sugar and Charm's Roly-Poly Santa Cookies. Similar to the cookies, this Santa is pieced together with several different sizes of cupcakes and cakes. It's carved, assembled, then frosted so it looks just like you used a shaped cake pan.You can use the baking and assembling instructions as a guide to make your own version of the jolly old elf. If you don't have the exact pans listed, just bake two 9x13-inch cakes and cut out the needed shapes. Once the cakes are frosted, no one will see the individual pieces anyway (it’ll just look festive and fun).This cute, red-nosed Santa cake is ready to be set on your dessert table!

Roly-Poly Santa or Snowman Cookies

1 cup butter (no substitutes)
1/2 cup sugar
1 tablespoon milk
1 teaspoon vanilla
2 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
Paste food coloring
Miniature semisweet chocolate pieces
1/2 cup shortening
1/2 teaspoon vanilla
2 1/3 cups sifted powdered sugar
1 tablespoon milk
Milk
Red cinnamon candies

In a large mixing bowl beat butter with an electric mixer on medium to high speed for 30 seconds. Add sugar beat until combined, scraping sides of bowl occasionally. Beat in 1 tablespoon milk and 1 teaspoon vanilla. Beat in as much of the flour as you can with the mixer. With a wooden spoon, stir in any remaining flour. Remove 1 cup of the dough. Stir red paste food coloring into remaining dough to make desired color.

Shape each Santa by making one 3/4-inch ball and four 1/4-inch balls from plain dough. From red dough, shape one 1-inch ball and five 1/2-inch balls. Flatten the 1-inch red ball on a parchment-lined cookie sheet until 1/2 inch thick. Attach plain 3/4-inch ball for head and flatten until 1/2 inch thick. Attach four 1/2-inch red balls for arms and legs. Shape remaining 1/2-inch red ball into a hat. Place plain 1/4-inch balls at ends of arms and legs for hands and feet. Add chocolate pieces for eyes and buttons.

To shape snowmen, shape dough into 3 balls: one 1-inch, one 3/4-inch, and one 1/2-inch. Place on baking sheet in decreasing size order, sides touching. Press together slightly. Insert chocolate pieces for eyes and buttons before baking. Add gum drop hat and fruit leather scarf after baking.

Bake in a 325 degree F oven for 12 to 15 minutes for santas 18 to 20 minutes for snowmen, or until edges are lightly browned. Cool 2 minutes on cookie sheet. Remove to wire racks and cool completely.

For frosting, in a small mixing bowl beat the shortening and 1/2 teaspoon vanilla with an electric mixer for 30 seconds. Gradually add 1-1/3 cups of the powdered sugar, mixing well. Add 1 tablespoon milk. Gradually beat in remaining 1 cup powdered sugar and enough milk (3 to 4 teaspoons) to make a frosting of piping consistency.

Spoon frosting into a decorating bag fitted with a medium star tip. Pipe mustache, beard, band on hat, and pompom. For nose, attach a cinnamon candy with a small dab of frosting. Makes 12 cookies.


14 Fun Santa Treats That Will Make You Believe

Looking for more holiday-themed sweets ? Try making these festive Christmas trees.

These super cute (and super easy) strawberries are a great way to infuse your fruit plate with holiday cheer.

They might look complicated, but these jolly cookies are actually super easy to make.

Decorate your sugar cookies to look just like the big man himself.

Don't keep Santa to the dessert table. Pack an adorable Christmas-inspired lunch like this bento box.

Santa hats get a sweet makeover with clever cake pop styling.

When the oven is already full of cookies, turn to these fun and easy no-bake desserts.

Instead of milk, leave out these Santa-themed drinks.

Cookies decorated like Santa and his helpers are a fun way to add some color to your typical cookie lineup.

Santa Claus cookie pops are a fun craft and tasty dessert all-in-one.

Holiday cookie swap? These cookies gotchu.

You might need to loosen up these macaron Santas belts after all the Christmas cookies he's going to gobble up.


1. MALVA PUDDING

This is probably the number one dessert in the country.

According to Wikipedia:

Malva pudding is a sweet pudding of South African origin. It contains apricot jam and has a spongy caramelized texture. A cream sauce is often poured over it while it is hot, and it is usually served hot with custard and/or ice-cream.

Legend has it that the Malva batter was flavoured with the Malva (geranium’s) leaves to give it a different flavour.

Another theory is that t he pudding contained Malvasia wine grapes

There are a few spin-offs of malva puddings like Tipsy Pudding, which is flavoured with brandy or sherry, and the Jan Ellis pudding.

I usually bake Malva pudding on a Sunday.

We enjoy a braai (barbecue) and Malva pudding is perfect to make in tin cups on the fire.

The chewy taste followed by golden syrupy sauce, and an overload of custard and ice cream sucks me in each time.

Ingredients

Serves 4 – 8 people
Preparation time 15-20 minutes

• 2 Eggs
• 2 cups Sugar
• 2 cups Cake flour
• 2 tbsp fine Apricot jam
• 2 tsp baking powder
• 2 tsp bicarbonate soda
• 2 cups Milk
• 3 tbsp brown Vinegar

Whisk eggs and sugar together.
Add the rest of the ingredients to the eggs and sugar and mix well.

Pour mixture into a baking casserole, and bake in a preheated oven for 30 minutes at 180’C.

Sauce

• 2 cups sugar
• 2 tsp vanilla essence
• 1 cup water
• 1 can Ideal Milk
• 250g butter

Method

In a saucepan, combine all the ingredients and cook together for a few minutes.

While the Malva cake is baking, prepare sauce ingredients in a pan.

Once the cake is fully baked, pour sauce over pudding while still hot to soak up all the sauce.

Serve hot, with custard sauce or ice cream (ok, I have a love for ice cream), and cherries.

2. SAGO PUDDING

A little digging revealed that sago was traded to farmers for various other resources as sago was not freely available in South Africa.

It was shipped in from European countries.

The sago “pearls” are extracted from the spongy centers of various tropical palm stems, especially that of the Metroxylon sagu.

Sago pearls are similar in appearance to other pearled starches like that of the cassava starch (Tapioca).

Ingredients

Serves 4 people
Preparation time 15-20 minutes

• 375ml Water
• 45ml Custard powder
• 3 extra-large eggs (separated)
• 385g Condensed milk
• 750ml Milk
• 30ml Butter
• 5ml Vanilla essence
• 60ml Sugar

Method

Place the sago a large pot, and cover with the water.

Leave to soak for 10 minutes.

Cook the sago on medium heat for 10 minutes, until they become a see-through colour.

Stir constantly to prevent burning.

In a bowl, mix custard powder, egg yolks, condensed milk, and milk together.

Slowly mix this into the warm sago mix.

Simmer for a few minutes until it starts to thicken.

The trick here is to constantly stir the mix to prevent it from burning.

Once thickened, add butter and vanilla essence.

Dish into a casserole or smaller ramekins.

As an extra, cover the pudding with apricot jam.

Whisk the egg whites and sugar until firm and spread over the pudding.

Bake 15 minutes in a preheated oven at 160’C or until brown on top.

Serve hot or cold with ice cream and fruit (I added sliced strawberries).

3. ROLY POLY PUDDING

This pudding originated in the United Kingdom. Here’s Wikipedia’s
take on Roly-Poly Pudding: It was:

first created in the early 19th century. It is a flat-rolled suet pudding, which is then spread with jam and rolled up, similar to a Swiss roll, then steamed or baked

It travelled to South Africa with the original colonial farmers. It has since become a much loved South African treat.



Ingredients

Serves 4 people
Preparation time 15-20 minutes

2 cups Cake flour
• 2 tsp Baking powder
• 1/2 cup cold Butter
• 2 eggs, beaten
• 45ml milk
• 3 tbsp Apricot jam

Sauce
• 375 ml boiled water
• 1 cup Sugar
• 25ml Butter

Method

The Roly Poly can be baked as a whole on a baking tray, or cut into pieces and baked in an oven casserole.

Sift the flour and baking powder together.

Rub the butter into the flour mixture.

Add the eggs and milk, and knead until a dough forms. (If the mixture is dry, add a tiny bit of milk to the dough).

Roll the dough out, on a floured surface, to about a 1.5cm thickness.

Apply a thin layer of jam on the dough.

Roll into a worm-like form and slice into 2cm rings.

Place them into a greased casserole.

Mix the ingredients of the sauce together and pour over the dough.
Bake for one hour.

Serve with syrup and custard or chocolate sauce covered ice cream.


Dessert Recipes

Browse dozens of easy dessert recipes that are perfect for entertaining and parties. Cake recipes, cookie recipes, pie recipes and more! If you like dessert then this is the category for you.

Need a suggestion? Consider our incredible Pound Cake or our Classic Peanut Butter Cookies or go with something decadent like our Easy Chocolate Souffles for Two!

Make your next dessert experience memorable, try a new recipe today!


Roly Poly Santa Cake - Recipes

A pudding is the dessert course of a meal (`pud' is used informally). In Britain, we also use the words 'dessert, 'sweet'' and 'afters'.

For more of the words we use, visit our British Words section .

Take care!
Not all our puddings are sweet puddings, some are eaten during the starter or main course like Yorkshire Pudding and Black Pudding.

Puddings and Cakes in England

There are hundreds of variations of sweet puddings in England, but each pudding begins with the same basic ingredients of milk, sugar, eggs, flour and butter and many involve fresh fruit such as raspberries or strawberries, custard, cream, and cakes.

". a moment later the puddings appeared. Blocks of ice cream in every flavour you could think of, apple pies, treacle tarts, chocolate eclairs and jam doughnuts, trifle, strawberries, jelly, rice pudding . "
Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone, J. K. Rowling

The more traditional and well known home-made puddings are apple or rhubarb crumble, bread and butter pudding, spotted dick and trifle. The traditional accompaniment is custard, known as crème anglaise (English sauce) to the French. The dishes are simple and traditional, with recipes passed on from generation to generation.

Favourite Puddings include:

Spotted Dick
(Also called Spotted Dog)
Spotted dick is a steamed suet pudding containing dried fruit (usually currants), commonly served with either custard or butter and brown sugar

Made with layers of sponge cake altternate with custard, jam or fruit and Whipped Cream. Sometimes alcohol-soaked sponge cake is used.

Apple Crumble

Often served with thick cream, ice cream or custard.

Hasty Pudding

A simple and quick (thus the name) steamed pudding of milk, flour, butter, eggs, and cinnamon.

Bakewell pudding - also called Bakewell Tart.
Recipe

A thick, rich, sweet mixture made by gently cooking together egg yolks, sugar, milk or cream, and sometimes other flavorings. Most people today use a yellow powder mixed with milk, water and sugar. Custard can be served as a hot sauce, poured over adessert, or as a cold layer in, for example, a trifle. When it is cold, it 'sets' and becomes firm.

Bread and butter pudding - old English favourite (see image) Recipe

Semolina Pudding

A smooth, creamy puddmade of milk, eggs, flavouring and sugaring. Semolina is cooked slowly in milk, sweetened with sugar and flavoured with vanilla and sometimes enriched with egg. Semolina pudding can be served with raisins, currants or sultanas stirred in or with a dollop of jam.

A pudding made of jam or fruit rolled up in pastry dough and baked or steamed until soft.
Recipe

Treacle pudding

A steamed pudding with a syrup topping.

Jelly and Ice Cream

A favourite party food for children.

The Victoria Sponge - Named after Queen Victoria

A spicey cake combining oatmeal and ginger. Traditionally enjoyed around Guy Fawkes Night (November 5)

Simnel Cake

A traditional cake for Easter and Mothering Sunday (Mothers' Day)
Click here for a recipe

English Crumpets (pictured right)

A tasty "muffin" that goes great with tea, and spread with butter and preserves.

Pastry shells filled with mince meat, and sometimes brandy or rum. Traditionally eaten at Christmas time

Sample Pudding Menu Served in a Restaurant in England

Apple and Plum Crumble with custard
Served hot or cold with cream, custard or ice cream.

Apple and Blackberry Crumble
Served hot or cold with cream, custard or ice cream.

Vanilla creme brulee
with a Shrewsbury biscuit

Lemon Meringue
served cold with cream or ice cream.

Strawberry cheesecake
with strawberry sauce

Bread & Butter Pudding
served hot with custard

Sticky toffee pudding
with vannila ice cream toffee sauce

Ice creams - strawberry and cream, vanilla, chocolate, rum and raisin and honeycomb

Sorbets
raspberry, lemon, blackcurrant, mandarin and apple

Cheeses
Stilton, Shropshire blue, Appleby's Cheshire and Mrs Kirkham's Smoked Lancashire cheeses served with celery, grapes and biscuits

© Copyright - please read
All the materials on these pages are free for homework and classroom use only. You may not redistribute, sell or place the content of this page on any other website or blog without written permission from the Mandy Barrow.
www.mandybarrow.com

Mandy is the creator of the Woodlands Resources section of the Woodlands Junior website.
The two websites projectbritain.com and primaryhomeworkhelp.co.uk are the new homes for the Woodlands Resources.

Mandy left Woodlands in 2003 to work in Kent schools as an ICT Consulatant.
She now teaches computers at The Granville School and St. John's Primary School in Sevenoaks Kent.

© Copyright - please read
All the materials on these pages are free for homework and classroom use only. You may not redistribute, sell or place the content of this page on any other website or blog without written permission from the Mandy Barrow.

Mandy is the creator of the Woodlands Resources section of the Woodlands Junior website.
The two websites projectbritain.com and primaryhomeworkhelp.co.uk are the new homes for the Woodlands Resources .

Mandy left Woodlands in 2003 to work in Kent schools as an ICT Consulatant.
She now teaches computers at The Granville School and St. John's Primary School in Sevenoaks Kent.


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Top 19 Christmas Recipes

Try to make something unique and decorative for this big holiday and celebration. With these ideas you will definitely make a big surprise to loved ones in the spirit of christmas. We hope that you can find favourite from the presented below. Enjoy!

Mini Strawberry

recipe

Chocolate Santa Claus

recipe

Fruit-laden Christmas pudding recipe

recipe

Mince pie ice cream recipe

recipe

Christmas pudding ice cream recipe

recipe

Whisky soaked Christmas cake recipe

recipe

Stollen parfait recipe

recipe

Clementine meringue recipe

recipe

Raspberry tiramisu recipe

recipe

Orange and walnut layer cake recipe

recipe

Orange and Grand Marnier Trifle recipe

Baked orange cheesecake with caramelised oranges recipe

recipe

Sticky fig and walnut pudding recipe

recipe

Chocolate and Coffee Roulade recipe

recipe

Double Chocolate Biscuits recipe

recipe

Large Christmas cake recipe

recipe

Christmas Cookies

Roly-Poly Santa Cookies

recipe

PIERNICZKI: POLISH SPICED CHRISTMAS COOKIES

recipe


Edible Santa Suit Candy Cups

Add a touch of whimsy to your Christmas treats this holiday by making Edible Santa Suit Candy Cups. You can fill them with candies, pudding, chocolate mousse, or nuts.

This has sure been a busy holiday season for me, trying to balance my chocolate making business with blogging while making sure our exchange student has a wonderful holiday experience.

In between working in the candy kitchen, we’ve taken time to go do some fun activities we’ve decorated a gingerbread house, made caramels with friends, played bingo (I won!), shopped a lot, and even found time to see Santa.

This past Saturday we even volunteered at a parade and holiday festival then took a class and made a fleece blanket and pillow before coming home to package more chocolates. Yesterday we spent a very full day in the candy kitchen working 14 hours and will have an equally busy day today.

Last week, during a few free hours, I had some fun experimenting in the kitchen and created some sweet treats for Christmas including these completely edible Santa Suit Candy Cups.

They can be filled with candies, as pictured, and used as party favors, or they can be filled with anything from chocolate mousse to ice cream for Christmas dessert.

Edible Santa Suit Candy Cups

Products used to make this project that are available on Amazon.com (commission earned for sales)

  • 12 ounces melted red colored confectionery coating/candy melts
  • 3 ounces melted white confectionery coating
  • 3 ounces black and white modeling chocolate/candy clay
  • powdered sugar to dust cutting board
  • candies nuts, trail mix, dried fruit, mini cookies, chocolate mousse, pudding, ice cream, etc.

Before you begin, if you don’t have experience working with confectionery coatings or modeling chocolate, read my detailed Chocolate Making Tips page (here.) If you work with pure chocolate, you can use them here instead of the confectionery coating/candy melts.

Instructions: (scroll down for video tutorial)

Allow your melted candy coating to cool enough that you can still pour it easily, but thick enough that it will coat your plastic cups with a thick layer.

If your coating is really thin, you will need to do this process twice, creating two layers of candy coating for your cups. Pour candy coating into a cup, filling it to the top.

Let it sit at room temperature for 3-5 minutes. Turn it upside down and allow the candy coating to drip out. Tap the cup a few times to help remove the excess candy coating.

Use a spatula or knife to scrape across the open edge of the cup to remove the dripping candy.

Wipe the edge of the cup clean using your finger.

Place the cup in the freezer for 4-5 minutes until your candy hardens. Do not leave the cups in longer than 5 minutes or your candy may crack.

Repeat to create as many cups as you want. You will have to re-heat your candy coating during this process to keep it at a pourable consistency.

To remove the candy cups from the plastic cups, tug on them carefully and just slide them out. If they won’t come out, push on the bottom of the cup allowing the suction to release then pull candy cup out.

If you didn’t do a great job of cleaning the edge of your candy cups, you may have to break the seal around the edge by running a small sharp knife around the edge to remove excess candy.

Allow your edible candy cups to come to room temperature before decorating.

Allow your melted white confectionery coating to cool slightly so that it thickens a bit.

Use a spatula or paint brush to frost just the top edge of each candy cup with the white candy coating. You want to create the look of fur.

Freeze the cup for 1-2 minutes after adding the fur or just let the candy air dry.

Dust a cutting board lightly with powdered sugar.

Roll out white modeling chocolate and some black modeling chocolate to 1/16″ thickness.

Cut small squares from the white (I used a small square fondant cutter in the video I used square plunger cutters) and 3/8 inch by 6 inch bands from the black using a knife or pizza wheel. Cut a smaller square out from the inside of each small white square creating a buckle.

Lightly brush some water on the back side of the buckle and attach it to the belt.

Lightly brush some melted confectionery coating on the back side of a black belt and wrap it around the middle of your candy cup, cutting off any excess modeling chocolate.

Fill with candy to use for party favors or fill them with chocolate mousse, pudding or even ice cream and serve for dessert.

You can store the Edible Santa Suit Candy Cups in an airtight container for several weeks.


Santa Cookies

If you are looking for holiday Cookies and Christmas cookies to make try any of these must-try holiday cookies!

Our family has a recipe box filled with homemade cookie recipes for the holidays. Each year we try to bake one or two new recipes to expand our Christmas cookies list. If you are ready to try a new treat recipe or two we are sure you will enjoy this post.


Caroline Makes.

What do you do with leftover pastry? I do make my own but sometimes buy ready-made pastry, even shortcrust (which is really easy to make). As it often comes in a frozen block and you have to defrost the whole thing, I’m then left with pastry to use up.

This recipe appears in Nigella Express, which you can buy here:

2 comments:

Something stodgy in cold weather? Ahhh now you're talking Caroline! Lovely!

Hola! I've been following your weblog for a long time now and finally got the bravery to go ahead and give you a shout out from Lubbock Texas!
Just wanted to say keep up the excellent job!

Thank you for your comment, all feedback is appreciated - even the negative! However due to a lot of spam comments on this blog I have had to turn on captcha. If you have problems leaving a comment please email me at [email protected]


A disturbing evening spent preparing vintage Christmas recipes

On the first day of Christmas, my true love baked for me: a deviled ham sandwich tree.

If sugar plum fairies are what late-December dreams are made of, then some old-school creations will surely inspire nightmares. I taste-tested three bizarre vintage Christmas recipes that are guaranteed to keep Santa far, far away from your chimney.

This image was removed due to legal reasons.

Christmas Candle Salad (1958)

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I made cranberry candles for Thanksgiving, so why not give bananas a go, too? I couldn't resist recreating this Christmas candle salad, if only to explore its period-appropriate interpretation of the word "salad."

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This recipe begins with a hefty dose of—what else?—gelatin, which was required by law to be included in all mid-century recipes thanks to an executive order from President Eisenhower. I heated the softened gelatin in a pot with two cups of cranberry cocktail.

This image was removed due to legal reasons.

I don't know whether the sugar content or some commercial additive is to blame, but the smell of boiling-hot cranberry juice cocktail proved to be positively urinary. I poured the bubbling mixture into silicone molds and, holding my nose with one hand, shoved them into the freezer with the other.

Soon my candle bases were set and, thankfully, odor-free.

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I cut holes in the center of each frozen flower and jammed half a banana inside. I don't know how the recipe card got its bananas looking so straight. Mine were decidedly curved, and decidedly phallic. Keep it together, bananas this is a family holiday.

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The final step involved adding dabs of mayo to represent "melted wax" and an almond "flame."

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I immediately regretted all the choices in my life that had led me to this moment.

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If these images look familiar to you, please, call your doctor.

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Underwood Deviled Ham Sandwich Tree (Undated)

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Iɽ never had—never even heard of—deviled ham before, and this ad did little to illuminate me. Like ancient runes partly weathered away by the sands of time, the recipe isn't complete. It isn't really even a recipe, exactly, so much as a series of vague suggestions, almost as if Underwood's marketing department didn't really expect anyone to take them up on this.

Before wrapping my brain around the concept of deviled ham, I prepared the mix-ins for each of the sandwich tree's four layers: chopped olives and grated asiago cheese, sour cream and sweet pepper relish, chopped green pepper and onion, and chopped apple and walnuts. Out of context, they seem pretty appealing on their own. Someone, somewhere, could make these ingredients into something that tastes good, but I am not that person, and the sandwich tree is not that something.

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I mutilated a loaf of bread with a pair of scissors and a steak knife.

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I have no idea how they made their star looked so neat in the advertisement. This was literally my third attempt at cutting a star and it is still irredeemable garbage.

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Deviled ham, as it turns out, is a mushy spread of cured ham and spices like mustard and turmeric.

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Beneath the label, the Underwood can looks suspiciously generic, and I felt like I was about to fall victim to a cruel prank.

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It's no prank, but I almost wish it were. Deviled ham bears an uncanny resemblance to cat food.

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Again, the so-called recipe (I like to imagine that it's the semi-coherent manifesto of a disgraced former cookbook writer now lost in the depths of insanity) offers no advice in terms of measurements or proportions, so I did my best to eyeball it. Considering everything about this looked fairly grotesque to begin with, my eyeballs were of little assistance.

First up was the olives and cheese layer.

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Then came the sour cream and sweet pepper relish layer. If cotton candy is served in hell, this is probably what it looks like.

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The third layer was green pepper and onions.

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And finally, a topper of apple and walnuts.

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This image was removed due to legal reasons.

This image was removed due to legal reasons.

Sandwich tree, you were too pure and beautiful for this world. My creation toppled shortly after it was complete, but I was able to rebuild it with the help of half a dozen toothpicks. As you'll read, toothpicks became a major theme of this meal.

Coconut Snowman Cake (1958)

This image was removed due to legal reasons.

There's nothing inherently disgusting about this recipe, which simply calls for boxed cake mix and generic frosting. That said: Why, why, why did they feel compelled to give him a name? Roly Poly the Snowman promises he'll "only melt in your mouth," which, I'll pass. Baked goods are best when kept anonymous.

The bright yellow cake batter looked just like mother used to make, if your mother happened to be a Pillsbury food scientist. (And if she is, thank her, because she's doing god's work.)


Watch the video: How to Make Jam Roly Poly (December 2021).